


Plato's Sex Life

by voleuse



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-02
Updated: 2004-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 09:50:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/pseuds/voleuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Stop contemplating the origins of evil</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plato's Sex Life

**Author's Note:**

> No spoilers. Title, summary, and headings taken from Maggie Estep's poem, _Fuck Me_.

** _i. I'm all screwed up_ **

Over the course of her studies at Hogwarts, Hermione Granger had faced death on numerous occasions. When not actively facing death, she often considered _how_ she might end up facing death, yet again, because being friends with Harry and to a lesser extent, Ron, inevitably led to things that might lead to death.

In her contemplations, however, she had never considered the fact that she might end up dying with Draco Malfoy, the former bane of her existence. She had anticipated that he might attempt to _kill_ her, certainly, but aside from a horrific explosion during Potions, she hadn't thought they might accompany each other across the veil.

So, then, finding herself locked with Draco in a windowless, now-doorless room somewhere in the Ministry of Magic was a bit of shock, to be sure.

** _ii. feed the cat_ **

"This is all your fault, Granger," Draco grumbled. "If you hadn't grabbed that talisman--"

"That you were about to pick up?" Hermione interrupted. "In which case we would still be trapped in here." She frowned at the talisman, a soapstone etched in runes that had flashed brightly when she had touched it. When the spots had faded from their eyes, the door was gone. "I can't imagine they'd leave anything _really_ dangerous out in the open like this."

Draco slumped against the table. "Unless they didn't know it was dangerous."

"Well, yes." Hermione scanned the other items on the table, various knick-knacks and totems that looked interesting, but altogether harmless. "But I'm sure the Department of Unidentified Possibly-Magical Muggle Items would have identified potentially hazardous artifacts right away."

"We should try apparating again."

** _iii. theorize about Sado Masochism's relationship_ **

After her fourth attempt, Hermione decided that their professor would notice they were gone eventually, and _someone_ in the department would realize that a room was missing from their office.

After his eleventh attempt to apparate, Draco agreed with her.

While Draco vented his frustrations by kicking the table, she took stock of the room. It was half the size of a classroom, but aside from the table, it was bare. There were no chairs in the room and no decorations. There wasn't even carpet, only bare wood.

Draco shouted, and Hermione looked up to catch him hopping up and down, clutching at his right foot. She smirked. "I told you not to do that."

He pouted, and hobbled to the wall opposite her current seat on the floor. "What do we do now?" he asked, as he sat down.

She shrugged. "We wait."

** _iv. tell me how this stimulates_ **

After a few hours, however, even Hermione began to doubt her theory, and Draco's tango with full-out panic wasn't helping her attitude.

"We're going to die in here." Draco was sprawled across the floor, his head a yard away from her feet.

She sighed. "No, we're not."

"Yes, we are."

That, basically, was the gist of their conversation for the past hour. Before that, he had insulted her breeding, and she had borne it in dignified silence. Then, she had insulted his intelligence until he had recited two arithmancy equations, the components of a potion that gave wings to farm animals, and the genealogies of all four founders of Hogwarts. And now, this.

"We're going to die in here."

"No, we're not."

** _v. that kind of pointless intellectualism_ **

"You know," Draco mused, "I was supposed to kill all you mudbloods before I died."

"Were you, then?" Sprawled on the floor, she couldn't even muster the energy to be offended. "Did you have a to-do list?"

Draco raised his arm high enough that she could see him flash two fingers at her, then he let it drop again.

She laughed. "What else were you supposed to do before you died?"

"Not much else," Draco responded. "You know, become Head Boy, rule the world, shag--" He broke off.

Hermione rolled onto her stomach so she could see Draco's face, now a couple of feet away. "Go on."

He shook his head, turned his back to her, and she giggled. "Who were you supposed to shag?"

Draco shrugged, an odd movement when one of his shoulders was resting on the floor. "Not anyone in particular."

"What do you mean, not anyone in..." Hermione gasped.

** _vi. stop being logical_ **

"It's not that difficult to understand, Granger." Draco, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, ran his hands through his hair. "I just haven't!"

"But that doesn't make sense," she protested. She propped her chin in her hands, drummed her feet against the floor. "_Everyone_ knows you've shagged half of Slytherin."

"Talk, Granger."

"Interesting."

"Anyway," Draco shrugged, "if rumors can be believed, you're no innocent yourself."

"Well." Hermione bit her lip, then rolled onto her back again.

Draco gasped. "You mean you and--"

** _vii. It's the pause that refreshes_ **

Somewhere between Draco's leering, questions, and jokes about winning points for her house, Hermione decided that she needed to shut him up.

It turned out that a kiss was the most effective way to do so.

Somewhere between the first brush of their lips and Draco's hand slipping under her skirt, Hermione decided it would be best if he didn't speak again for a good, long while.

** _viii. just add water_ **

It was a bit awkward at first, given Draco's inexperience and the fact that they had hated each other for several years, but Hermione was gratified to find out that he wasn't completely ignorant of the female form, and his enthusiasm made up for quite a bit.

After they had shed their clothing, in part to act as a cushion against the cool floor, Hermione decided to assert herself.

She eased herself over Draco, felt him push inside of her, and watched his eyes widen, and he gasped. "Holy--"

She grinned.

** _ix. so I'd have a good excuse_ **

She didn't expect him to last very long the first time, and after they, or rather he, finished, she decided she had overestimated his stamina.

Given a few minutes reprieve, however, he quickly dissuaded her, first with hands, then mouth. Then, arms braced on either side of her head, he thrust oh-so-slowly into her again, until she was arching and breathless.

Draco, it seemed, picked up on things quickly.

** _x. I could get a lot_ **

It was, luckily, Ginny that finally found them entwined on the floor of the storeroom. The soapstone, it turned out, had triggered a complicated glamour that had hidden the door from them, but not from anyone outside.

She shook them awake and forestalled anyone else's entrance until Hermione and Draco properly _scourgified_ and dressed themselves.

As they exited the room, Draco leaned against Hermione and put his lips to her ear. "Are the rumors true?"

"I didn't think so at first," she whispered back, "but you've convinced me." Then she shoved him to arms-length and glared. "Let's never speak of this again," she declared, mostly for Ginny's benefit.

Ginny rolled her eyes.

He reached out and grabbed Hermione's robes, pulled her until she was flush against him. He brushed his lips against hers, and smirked. "We won't have talk."

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "What did you think I meant?"

** _xi. So thank you_ **

When they returned to Hogwarts, an entirely different set of rumors began to circulate.

Neither Hermione nor Draco bothered to address the gossip, but the way Ginny smiled was fuel enough.

As were, of course, the frequent disappearances of both Hermione and Draco, and the silences that followed thereafter.


End file.
